I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
