she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
