my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
