If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
