There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
