I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
