you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
