Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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