You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
