I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
