My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
