i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
