i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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