The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
