the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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