Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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