Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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