she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
