I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
