Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
