how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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