No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
