why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
