life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
