I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
