Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Did I show you my penis last night?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
