I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dear god my vagina.
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