I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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