Too much gin, very little bucket
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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