Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
