I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
