i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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