his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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