The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
