can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
