I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
