I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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