just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
