I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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