Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
pray to the hookup gods
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
