I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
