I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
