Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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