i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
