Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
