Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You pole danced in your parka.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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