i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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