why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
