i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
