I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
