my vag is so smooth its legendary
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
