Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
