Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
