Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
