he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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